Tuesday, May 22, 2018

The pond is taking a break ...

The last the pond heard, Jeffrey Bernard, James Bolam, Peter O'Toole and sundry others, including no doubt the original Dorothy Parker, have been unwell, and so too is the pond, and it's time for another break, with business to be resumed when some form of wellness returns.

There's always a danger in reptile handling and the pond has succumbed yet again … but for those up to the task, no doubt the reptiles will keep on giving ...


Monday, May 21, 2018

In which the dinosaurs return ...


Say what?

We're back to the future already? How did the oscillating fan end up there?

Well a stark natural tragedy unfolded this day, and the pond felt it needed to be covered in the late arvo slot where no one much cares or pays any attention ...


Indeed, indeed, the taxpayers want to invest in a coal fired power station under the new five year plan …or perhaps just do a Joe Stalin. 

Let the onion muncher explain the pleasure of forcible government acquisitions ...


Socialise energy! The pond has said it all along. All this nonsensical talk of free markets is just an irritating distraction.

The only way to good dinkum clean coal is via socialistic practices ...

And that's how the oscillating fan came to his logical conclusion …


There is of course just one unfortunate downside to this scenario …

The Coalition would need to be out of government for barnstorming Barners and the onion muncher make a come back.

Naturally Josh was disappointed ...


Even worse those bloody deviant Labor types were gloating, as if they didn't want to nationalise or socialise everything …and how cruel their taunt, with talk of a dinosaur faction ...


The upside?

Well the pond can see a resurgence of natural Pope deposits, with more papal deposits to be found here … though the Pope urgently needs to return so that the dinosaurs can be recorded in their natural habitats … who knows how long they might still have foraging wild and free?






In which the pond finds the Major in a state of uncertainty ...


The reptiles are in a state of high anxiety this day, and the Major was surprisingly gloomy when let out of his cage … the old bellicosity wasn't in high gear, the age of uncertainty seemed to have arrived.

Oh sure the old enemies were still all around, and required a smiting and a smoting, but saving Malware and returning him to office seemed like it was going to be a big job for the reptiles. The size of the task seemed to daunt the Major …

Naturally this is all the fault of the wicked, dastardly ABC, and so the Major just had to pick up the gauntlet ...


Indeed, indeed, the suffering of the rich invariably moves the pond to tears, as the reptiles patiently explain their endless tales of woe …

What a just and caring man is ScoMo, how he earns the right to appear in a snap, as the Major berates all the usual for failing to see the world through his one good right eye ...


Oh the shameless lickspittle forelock-tugging fellow travellers, this is a job for the Major. 

Only he is able to point out the problems with comrade Bill, only he can do the sales job right …

Damn you progressive media, damn you all that it should be the Major who scores the short straw ...


A lot like 2001? So there's still hope, and perhaps victory can be snatched if the reptiles fall to their task with vigour. 

But there's that conundrum, what with the government offering big spending, how to run a negative campaign against big spending? How to valiantly fight for the banks and the rich?

Talk about doom and gloom, talk about open questions! Must it always fall to the reptiles to put together a decent negative campaign?

You know, in the interests of fair and balanced reporting (the pond hesitates to use the word 'journalism' in this context), it seems like the Major will have to rally the troops, and the smears will begin to flow.

No doubt the Terror will recycle some of its used Nazi photoshop front pages ...

But will it be enough. This day there were a couple of news stories that added to the reptile sense of gloom. 

First the tykes are still restless, and everybody knows how that sets the reptiles off …


Yes, there's nothing like a report commissioned by the archdiocese of Canberra and Goulburn to send the reptiles into a deep funk … and don't anyone dare ask what report would fly in the face of its clients, and suggest they were just a bunch of whiners and whingers?


So there's the suffering of the rich, and the suffering of the Catholics and then that dreadful Queensland woman made it even worse by talking of the preferential suffering of the candidates ...


Sweet mother of treachery, not this …anything but this …no wonder the Major was agitated and uncertain, even though the sweet local lad was made of the right stuff, a ridgy-didge dinkum coal lover, oi, oi, oi ...


The news sent the base into a twittering frenzy ...


There's a lot more, but the reptiles, recognising that they were on a social media winner, kept pumping up the frenzy with a couple of splashes ...



 

Oh come on Jeff, enough of the paywall trolling. 

Isn't it enough that the reptiles are jittery, and in a deep state of anxiety and dread … and the pond grief-stricken at being unable to offer them a smidgin of comfort …

The situation's so desperate the reptiles are giving away Kudelka cartoons explaining why Malware's just the sort of friendly benign presence everyone should want in their lives …



In which the Oreo gets religious freedom week off with a bang ...


It was Crikey that drew the pond's attention to this potent patch of purple prose by Patrick, and the pond felt the need to spread its pulchritudinous perfection as far and as wide as possible …

And then came this, with its cheeky hieroglyph ...


Meanwhile, the rolled gold delusion rolled on …this time on The Insiders ...


Translation: "I've got a ticket made of metal, such as brass, coated with a thin layer of gold, used to make inexpensive jewellery, and any rolled gold promise or reference I make should be taken as a cheap trinket of the Tarjay kind …"

But the pond has given up on rolled gold, and today is triumphant.

On the weekend, it predicted that religious freedom would turn into a reptile crusade this week, and sure enough, the reptiles let loose the Oreo … and not just your ordinary average Oreo … it's your ...


There was just one mystery.

Why hadn't she been blessed with the Lobbecke of the day, and instead had to settle for a glum stock image?


Please ignore that untimely bit of trolling from places distant, the Oreo is on fire this day … and it requires no comment from the pond, just the warmest of recommendations …



You see, a line like "Christian religious freedom empowers the secular state" is a form of popping Oreo perfection …


Next week we can look forward to a column from the Oreo on the wickedness of Israel as a theocratic state …

And no doubt the Oreo will be able to gloss the megalomania of  Philippians 2;10-11:

... so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Or perhaps Isaiah 2:2:

It shall come to pass in the latter days that the mountain of the house of the Lord shall be established as the highest of the mountains, and shall be lifted up above the hills; and all the nations shall flow to it ...

Or perhaps Romans 13:4 explaining how the one in authority is god's servant:

...for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer.

The pond could go on and on with biblical exegesis, but alas, the pond fears that the Oreo is lax in her bible studies, and doesn't understand the plain meaning of Ephesians 1:22: And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church 

It's taken centuries to claw things away from the control of the church, and blather about paying Caesar taxes doesn't cut it up against the comprehensive attempts by believers to direct the behaviour of non-believers (not to mention carving out a tidy tax-exempt situation for themselves …)

But the pond promised not to comment, and should revert immediately to the Oreo ...



The pond must fail the Oreo in her bible studies class.

The old testament in particular is littered with talk of warfare, and god defeating and punishing unbelievers and getting down with it - She loved a good punch-up in Her name - but perhaps the pond's favourite is personal and can be found in 2 Kings 2:23-24 …

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” 
He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. (more smitings here for those who love their smitings).

Sweet long absent Jesus, give the pond militant atheism any day of the week up against angry Xian bears doing the will of the lord …

And so to a matter where, for the sake of crass commerce, the Oreo's brethren bow to the rules of Islam, with more Wilcox to be found here ...



Sunday, May 20, 2018

In which the reptiles do the Donald ...


The pond rarely looks to the local reptiles for updates on the Donald …and the same goes for the ABC.

The pond happened to catch a recent ABC report on the Donald, still available online here, with transcript, and was struck by its paucity, and by the way it ended on an upbeat note, with Hank Sheinkopf plaintively pleading "What's the crime? I haven't figured out what the crime is yet."

In short, ending with dummkopf Sheinkopf tempted the pond to do a Polonius and give the ABC yet another bagging …

Last impressions are important. The report could have ended on a neutral note, but instead it ended on a whine, and the pond filed a note to avoid walking into a room where their ABC was playing ...

The pond usually relegates the Donald to the cartoon section, but even if YouTube is awash with clips of cable news brooding over the Donald, ignoring the reptiles doing the Donald seems to be unfair, especially when every so often Cameron Stewart reports in …

The reptiles, of course, have the difficult task of pretending that the Donald has the first clue about what he's doing …and so Stewart's opening gambit, that "Trump works to keep Kim on track," was a delight, with the assumption that anyone as erratic as Trump knew there was a track and, if he did, could stay on it …

The pond once went there as a child with that notion …


And so to the Tootle of American politics ...



His country would be very rich, his country would be very industrious? Once a snake oil salesman, always a snake oil salesman, though the way America's going, there's a new sort of oil in the shop …


There probably wasn't the time or the inclination to go into the Trump Indonesia, Chinese government "investment", ZTE, twitter affair,  the whole damn thing …but that's the way it goes with Tootle. Speak firmly about China, and then tweet about saving Chinese jobs and nobody will notice the switching of the tracks …

But if corruption isn's a reptile thing, just look at that line "I think Kim Jong-un is going to be very happy."

Is it possible to imagine what the Republicans would have said about a forelock-tugging, quisling Obama if he'd promised to make a homicidal, sociopathic dictator "very happy"?


Like as not there would have been all sorts of unflattering comparisons, though the Donald is so resolutely ignorant of history, they'd be water off a duck's back to him …

It seems only a moment ago that we were on our way to the Donald collecting a Nobel … and then …


Now it's the business of the reptiles to find a coherent strategy and a plan … beginning with Tootle finding tremendous potential for Kim Jong-un ...


That mention of the Nobel Peace Prize is typical of the Donald. He yearns to knock down every skerrick of Obama's legacy, and to beat Obama at everything. And so as Obama earned an undeserved Nobel, and never made the state of chaos and disarray in the Nobel Foundation the Donald must have one too …

It was like when the three US hostages returned and top of the Donald's minds was the rating ...

“I want to thank you all, it’s early in the morning. I think you probably broke the all-time in history television rating for 3 o’clock the morning!”

And so the reptiles must diligently press on, putting lipstick on a television and tweet addict …with the compulsions so easily near the surface that they're so very easily played …



In which the mutton Dutton leads the Sunday meditation ….


The pond almost felt a twinge of sympathy for Malware, who created a rod for his own back with blather about religious freedom, picked up and expanded upon by the mutton Dutton, who seems to care more about dog whistling for the votes of social conservatives than he does for sharing an afterlife with sundry imagined and conflicting deities …

The reptiles, of course, are on a winner however it plays out … the base can be enraged, the controversy sustained. Face it, the only time the leftist twitterati has come alive in recent times for the reptiles has been in response to the story ...

This surely suits a Sunday meditation, as our Rache has been covering the Dutton beat for the daily …


And there you go, poor old Malware …and here comes the mutton Dutton ...


What an extraordinarily dumb man he is. There is currently no threat to anyone sending their children to any form of school run by a religious authority …nor to the generous subsidies for same …

If they want to send their kids to the scientology based school down the road to get the blessings of L. Ron Hubbard and a money-rorting cult, they'll find the taxpayers have assisted them with cash in the paw ...

But that mutton Dutton line "there is the ability for that curriculum to be taught in accord with that religious belief" is exceptionally stupid …

Naturally the reptiles immediately asked a gotcha "when did you stop beating your wife" question, and the mutton Dutton had to say that he wouldn't allow preaching outside the Australian law on obvious matters such as beating your wife, and selling your first born into slavery …

But he might just as well have been asked whether schools might be allowed to interpret science according to their religious beliefs.

Would evolution and such like be taught in accord with religious beliefs? And so suddenly creationism and a young earth and all the other nonsense that passes for science in the world of the reptiles, including but not limited to climate science denialism and octopi from space, would sit alongside real science, on the usual excuse …


The reptiles had another go at re-packaging the contents, which indicates to the pond that a crusade is on the way.

This time it was Malware who was the illustration …


And the content was summarised so it might go around for another day …

And so Malware's goose is cooked yet again, and he must pander to bigots and conservatives or cop a pounding from them and the reptiles ...


This time the mutton Dutton's desire for active discrimination hovered more sharply into view, such that if you thought that the idea of being a complimentary woman was a little problematic, then angry Sydney Anglicans had the right to pass you over for a teaching position …

Or Catholics might refuse a gay teacher, or who knows, an Islamic school might be able to take a view on women and gays ...

Institutionalised discrimination requires sensible bipartisan support?

Well it sent the leftist twitterati off again …


The problem religious fundamentalists of the mutton Dutton kind face is that when looked at, there's not that much difference between your evangelical, Catholic and Islamic fundamentalist …they take a view on women that's roughly equivalent to a lizard editorial on women scoring a job as a company director.

And they take the same sort of attitude on gays, but we've been down that road, and the vote is in, and the fundamentalists lost, and the inquiry was their last hope to retain the right to as much bigotry as could be arranged ...

On and on the leftist twitterati went ...



That's as much of a sampling as the pond could stand, even for a Sunday meditation.

In short, Malware's got a live one on his hands here, because as one of the twitterati noted, the situation of fundamentalist religions in this country is roughly equivalent to the situation of The Australian's circulation …and he will pander to them at his peril.

The last thing that Malware needs is a new culture war, but the reptiles and the fundamentalists and mutton Dutton and the onion muncher are determined to give it to him ...



Saturday, May 19, 2018

In which the pond relegates nattering "Ned" to the specialist late Saturdee arvo slot



The pond is disappointed with the reptiles this weekend. 

The dog botherer disappeared up his own fundament on Hindmarsh Island yet agai, and while Polonius attracted a pleasing response,  it wasn't his best effort.

Even worse, nattering "Ned" went off the deep end, going on and endlessly on, until the pond began to suspect another agenda …and it was so tedious it had to be relegated to the late Saturdee arvo slot, where only a few passing specialists and insomniacs would use it for a right and fitting purpose … noiselessly dropping their tablets to the floor as sleep set in …

You see, there's a simple, pragmatic, one-line explanation of why a referendum on 44 is a waste of time and money. This is its chance of getting passed …


Ah Melbourne, how the pond misses your winters … though something about their bitter chill and tedious days trapped inside Mario's reminds the pond of nattering "Ned" ...




Yes, yes, and the pond understands it will have to wade through an interminable amount of turgid prose until we get there, but can we just cut to the real agenda? Something about elites no doubt ...



This is all very well, but what about the 'leets? What about making a point about all the dreadful furriners that are ruining the country?

Can't we have some plain-speaking?


Oh okay, the pond only flung that in because it couldn't take much more of nattering "Ned" on his high horse without some kind of break or distraction …

Now about that agenda and those wicked 'leets ...



Phew, what a relief. It took a long time to get there, but how pleasing to see that climate change measures aren't in Australia's national interest, presumably because Australia, in reptile eyes, exists on another planet … perhaps planet B, with plan B …

Quite possibly, it'll be the same should a world war break out. Australia can explain that it's not in its national interest, and while it regrets not voting on the matter at the UN, it's retreating to planet B ...

As for those dreadful people who insist on coming here, the pond was pleased by nattering "Ned's" suggestion that those who turned up in the last few centuries should immediately head home …

And now at last we come to those bloody 'leets … and a chance to contemplate this remarkable sentence …

"This is not to argue dual citizenship cancels national loyalty. That would be absurd."

In which case the pond has been reading an absurdist tract, and sadly a lot bloody longer than Waiting for Godot ...



It will be noted that nattering "Ned" is sensitive about his Trumpist inclinations.

But in truth that's what all that dog-whistling is about …as he offers up his "Australia First" sentiments and plans his Climate sciencexit.

He could have simply said that a 44 referendum had Buckleys and left it at that, but he had to hitch all those other wagons to his steaming engine …

And the trolling was successful, and how does the pond know? 

Well Barry's the sort of faithful reptile hound who can hear what's really being said ...



Oh sheesh, Katherine, nattering "Ned" and the pond are heading back home along with everybody else, and might soon be bumping into each other in Ireland, and that'll be the end of all this idle talk about multiculturalism …

And now since the Donald has been mentioned, why not a few Trumpist cartoons to help the forgetting of "Ned", and the quick bringing of untroubled sleep  …